Checker Board Cake

   Greetings once again to any multiple visitor's, and first greetings to anyone on this page for the first time. I apologise for my less than speedy post updates, but I have been terribly busy as of late pursuing my more recently discovered talent of writing. You may see evidence of this in the vernacular of this post.

   Anyway. Getting down to tacks of brass, have you veer felt the sudden urge to spend the better part of a single day baking? All day? I'm sure to some of you this is common place, but, for me, it is strictly reserved for Christmas only that one should give their entire day into creating confectioneries.

   Yesterday I broke this unspoken principle to gift my parents with a long desired, beautiful, and irrationally difficult checker board cake for their anniversary.

   Given that it was such a memorial occasion, and my crippling boredom from the presence of the sought after, yet despised, summer break, I pushed away any logic that said it might be stupid to fling myself into such an advanced piece of artwork without prior experience. I would warn anyone reading this reconsider what they are thinking of attempting. This is not nearly as easy as the pictures and cooking shows, including the magnificent Cake Boss, make it look. Trust me. If you are easily angerable, think of anything else you might be able to do that would hold just as much meaning as this, and if you can't think of anything, I'd suggest playing your favourite style of music as loud as is possible without provoking hearing damage or broken speakers to maintain a fragile sense of calm. It won't last, but tis always better to be prepared.

   If, after all this, you're still set on creating this masterpiece, then I salute your mingled stupidity and persistence. You and I would get along, cousin.

   The checker board cake is a series of nested rings in a pattern of chocolate, vanilla, chocolate, and vanilla-this will vary according to how many rings and how big your cake pan is. The first step is, of course, finding your recipes. You will need one chocolate cake, one vanilla cake, and a buttercream recipe. I would recommend using a layer cake recipe because these are easier to deal with and require less trimming than regular cakes.

   Chocolate Cake

  Ingredients:

2 cups all purpose flour

2/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 cup butter, melted

1 cup brown sugar, lightly packed

3/4 cup granulated sugar

4 large eggs

2 ounces unsweetened chocolate, melted

1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla

1 1/2 cups buttermilk

  Directions:

1. Beat together the eggs and sugar until fluffy.

2. Add the melted butter, melted chocolate, buttermilk, and vanilla and stir.

3. Next, add the flour, cocoa, baking soda, and salt and beat until no lumps remain.

4. Pour all the dough into a ten inch spring form pan, or split between two nine inch pans, that have been greased and floured or lined with parchment paper. (Keep in mind this pan(s) will need to be the same size as the one you bake the vanilla cake in.)

5. Bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 35-45 minutes. (This will vary according to whether you used two nine inch pans or one ten inch.)

6. When removed, wait ten minutes and remove the cake from the pan and onto a plate or cutting board. For rushed chilling, place the cake into the freezer or refrigerator.

   Vanilla Cake

  Ingredients:

1/2 cup butter, melted

2 cups all purpose flour

1 tablespoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 cups granulated sugar

3 large eggs

1 cup milk

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

  Directions:

1. Whip together the eggs and sugar, then add the melted butter.

2. Stir in the milk and and vanilla.

3. Add the flour, baking powder, and salt, and stir until no lumps remain.

4. Pour into a spring form pan (This will need to be the same size as the one used for the chocolate cake) that has been greased and floured or lined in parchment paper.

5. Bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for approximately 35 minutes.

   Buttercream

  Ingredients:

1 cup of butter, softened

4 cups icing sugar

4-5 tablespoons cream

3 teaspoons vanilla

  Directions:

1. Beat the butter with an electric mixer.

2. Add the icing sugar and beat on a low speed until you have a crumbly powdery mixture.

3. Mix in the vanilla and cream. The amounts are suggestions. You will need to add more than twice as much cream to make the buttercream thin enough to spread on the cake, or your cake will just break. Add more cream for layering and dirty-icing, and less for decorating. Food colouring can also be added.

   Assembly:

   This is the hardest part. You will need cake stencils. This will involve a compass from a protractor kit and a paper. After you have baked both cakes comes the meticulous portion of the activity.

1. Measure how long your cake is at the widest part with a ruler-mine was ten inches- then decide how wide you want your rings to be. I would play it safe, and stick with one and a half inches.

2. Set the point of your compass at the centre of the ruler and the pencil at the edge of the cake, then move the compass inwards one and a half inches(or whatever length you have chosen for your rings), then, without changing the setting of the compass, move it to a piece of paper and draw the perfect circle.

3. Follow the same steps, making each ring the correct width smaller each time until your run out of cake. You will have no more than three circles when you are finished.

4. Cut out the circles. These will be your stencils. Poke holes into the centre points of each one.

5. Cut both the chocolate and vanilla cakes in halves, making four smaller cakes. Two chocolate, and two vanilla.

6. Insert a toothpick into the centre of your cake and slide the biggest stencil over it.

7. Using as small knife, cut around the stencil carefully.

8. Do the same with each smaller stencil until the entire layer has been cut into rings.

9. Repeat steps 6-8 with the remaining layers.

10. When that is done, mix a batch of buttercream. Make sure this is very thin, or it will not spread on the exposed surface of the cake.

11. Take the largest ring of a vanilla layer and set it onto a flat surface. (Warning!There will be no moving it after this.) You may desire to have someone else help you with this, as the cake may crumble without enough support.

12. Now take the next smaller ring of a chocolate layer and nest it within the vanilla ring. Now the next smallest vanilla. Followed by chocolate. And so on, until the layer is complete.

13. cover the top of this in a very thin layer of the buttercream.

14. Repeat steps 11 and 12, starting with a chocolate layer this time and set it on top of your just finished layer. Spread buttercream on this as well.

15. Do this with the rest of the cake rings. Changing between starting with chocolate and vanilla rings.

16. Now that all your layers are stacked, dirty-ice your cake. Dirty-icing, for those of you that don't know, is the term used when describing the process of using a very thin layer of buttercream to even out ridges and to get stuck full of all those annoying loose crumbs so they don't ruin your beautiful blue or green or pink frosting. Your cake will look truly awful after dirty-icing, but never fear, because you add another layer of icing after.

17. This is wear creative freedom comes into play. Go nuts. You can decorate plain or for birthdays or anything else. I decorated for an anniversary.

   Congratulations to anyone who lasted this entire post! I know it dragged a little, and was probably highly confusing. I will enclose a picture of the process-not mine; unfortunately I had not thought to take pictures during the creation-to help you understand.

   I wish good luck to anyone who is still foolish enough to want to try this. But here is a secret: it tastes eternally worth it.

Cornbread

   Salutations to the unsuspecting populous who may yet actually find a way to this blog. My sincerest apologies for the distasteful amount of time spent between new posts(Not that anyone is following me anyway), but I have been overwhelmed with school and various other things that I dare not drive you away with the boredom therein.

   Onto the body of the post, how many of you have ever tried cornbread? I myself had never tasted it until my mother went and had an all out southern meal day. We're talking baked beans, some sort of cheesy potatoes, and, of course, cornbread.

   I can't say I enjoyed the unusually sweet taste, and found it very difficult to finish my piece, but I know that many people love this strange dish, so I have agreed, after much argument with my better judgement, to write a post on it.

  Ingredients:

2 cups yellow cornmeal

2 cups all purpose flour

1 cup sugar

2 tbsp baking powder

1 tbsp salt

2 cups milk

1/2 cup unsalted butter

1/2 cup honey

4 eggs, lightly beaten

  Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit and spray a 9x13 cake pan with non-stick cooking spray.

2. In a large bowl, whisk together cornmeal, flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.

3. In a different bowl, mix the milk with melted butter, honey, and eggs until fully combined.

4. Add the wet mixture to the dry and mix with a wooden spoon.

5. Transfer batter into the prepared pan and bake for 30 minutes or until golden brown. Let cool slightly and serve.

  Little tips from me:

I'm sure that everyone who has ever had cornbread is aware of this fact, but for any ignorants that are reading this, lather with butter. The more butter you can get onto one piece of bread, the better.

Apple Pie

  Hello once again random people of the internet! I recently achieved views in both The United Kingdom and Russia. I have to say I am rather excited about that fact. It's not much, but every new country perpetrated is one step closer to world domination.
  Also, this poor excuse of a blog has reached 300 views. Again, not much, but it's more than 200 so it's an improvement. To celebrate this milestone, I have created a masterpiece beyond description! Apple pie.
  If it wasn't already clear, I love apple pie. Especially this apple pie. Now, maybe everyone says this, but if you don't like apple pie, than you've never tasted mine. This pie has a soft, flaky crust, with spiced apple filling. It's a little bit sticky, and a little bit wet, but the flavour is worth every bite. This pie is best served warm and with a scoop of vanilla icecream.

Crust:
  Ingredients:
1/2 cup lard
2 cups flour
1/2 cup water
1 tsp salt

Filling:
3-4 granny smith apples, peeled and thinly sliced
1/2 cup sugar
2 tbsp flour
1/4 tsp cinnamon

Directions:
  For the crust:
1. Combine the lard and flour until crumbly.
2. Add water and salt and kneed until you reach a medium soft consistency, adding flour if needed.
3. Roll the pie dough out until about 1/8 of an inch thick, and move to your choosen pie plate; this  makes enough dough for one close faced 8 inch round pie.
4. After this(or before, you choice) peel and slice the apples.
5. Mix the sugar, flour, and cinnamon for the filling.
6. Place the apple in the pie shell and coat evenly with the filling powder. Make sure not to get any on the edges, as that will make the crusts separate during baking.
7. Place the top crust over the apples an d filling and press the edges down with a fork.
8. Poke several holes into the top of the pie using the fork or a knife.
9. Bake at 350 degree Fahrenheit for about 40 minutes or until the crust on the bottom underneath of the pan looks cooked.

Little tips from me:
  Whip an entire egg and brush the crust of your pie with it. This will make it golden brown and shiny.

Extreme Chocolate Cookies

  Hello again baking nerds. Sorry this has been so long coming. My computer for school crapped out and I have been super swamped trying to get anything done. But now I'm back, and with one of the greatest recipes for cookies I have ever tasted.
  I came across this recipe while I was looking for something to bake for youth group. We were going skating outdoors so it needed to be easily portable, but I was also having a huge chocolate craving, so I did some digging and came across these. They were simple and looked amazing to my chocolate starved eyes, so I made them.
  I'm sorry I don't remember the name of the blog where I found these, to give proper recognition, but total props anyways. That blog gets all the credit for these amazing creations.
  These cookies are chewy on the inside, crumbly on the outside, and so full of rich chocolate that you physically cannot eat more than one at a time. (Speaking from the perspective of an avid chocolate eater.)
  They are perfect for every occasion, and work great for lunches or snacks. I reccomend serving with a glass of milk so you don't get a chocolate overload.

Ingredients:
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
2 tbsp butter
1 cup + 3 tbsp all purpose flour
2 tbsp cocoa
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup + 2 tbsp lightly packed brown sugar
2 eggs
2 tbsp milk
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
1 cup milk or semisweet chocolate chips

Directions:
1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees Fahrenheit and line two large baking sheets with parchment paper. Set aside.
2. Put the semisweet chocolate chips and butter in microwave safe bowl and heat at 30 second intervals, stirring after each go. (This can also be done on the stove.)
3. In a medium sized bowl mix together flour, cocoa, baking powder, and salt.
4. In a larger seperate bowl mix the sugars, eggs, milk, and vanilla.
5. Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and stir until combined. Don't over stir.
6. Fold in the melted chocolate and remaining chocolate chips, and stir until just incorporated. (You may have to use your hands for stirring steps. The dough is REALLY thick.)
7. Use a 1/4 cup measure to scoop the dough onto the baking sheets. (Use you hands to roll the dough into balls and flatten on the sheets.)
8. Place the pan into the oven and immediately reduce heat to 300 degrees. Bake for 18-20 minutes.
9. Leave the cookies on the baking sheet for the entire cooling time.

Little tips from me:
  Don't be afraid of the dough. Wear a good apron and get your hands in there. There is nothing clean about making these.
  If you don't plan on eating these the same day you make them- which I would really recommend- then warm them in the microwave for 15 seconds before eating.
  I made 2 recipes and got 30 cookies. Judge accordingly.

French Lemon Macarons

  I would just like to apologize for not posting in so long. But homeschooling stops for no man and because I didn't do any schoolwork during Christmas break I was super behind and I just haven't had time to bake anything.
  But on the 10th my mom informed me that we were going to visit her parents and that she wanted me to make these gluten free macarons for her mom who CANNOT eat any gluten. How could I deny? Baking is like heroine to me. I was practically clawing my eyes out itching to bake something.
  Now, let me just put this out there; I had never made macarons before and had no idea how to do it. A confession time. These macarons turned out looking god-awful. The taste was alright, I guess. I'm personally not a huge fan of lemon desserts, but I can still stay they are pretty god. My mom was practically swooning though, if that tells you anything.
  These macarons are very sharp lemon cookies with a creamy lemon buttercream filling. Best served at teatime, I guess. They are very delicate cookies, so not great for lunch baggies. They would get crushed.
  I have no idea how to tell you when the dough is ready for the cookie sheets, I myself royally messed it up. I don't blame the recipe I used. It was very vague and the video they had wouldn't load, but I could've always found a different video, I suppose. I guess this all to work up to the fact that your macarons should look nothing like the picture and you should find some sort of video to tell you how to properly test the dough because I can't. Ouch. that's hard to say.

Ingredients:
  For the cookies:
1 cup almond flour
1 cup icing sugar
2 large egg whites
1/4 tsp cream of tarter
1/4 cup sugar
1 tsp fresh lemon zest
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp lemon juice
Yellow food colouring to preference(My mom didn't want them to look unnatural so I didn't put very much in at all.)
  For the buttercream:
3 tbsp unsalted butter, softened
1 cup icing sugar
2 tsp cream
1 tbsp lemon juice
1 tsp lemon zest
1/2 tsp lemon extract
1/8 tsp salt

Directions:
1. In a medium bowl, sift together almond flour and powdered sugar. Set aside.
2. In a large mixing bowl use the electric mixer to beat the egg whites on medium until foamy.
3. Add the cream of tarter and sugar and continue to beat.
4. Increase the speed to medium high and beat until it forms stiff peaks.
5. Add the lemon zest, vanilla, lemon juice, and yellow food colouring and beat on medium speed for a minute.
6. Add the almond flour mixture to the egg whites and fold in gently. This is where you will need to know how long to fold to get the right dough consistency.
7.When you've achieved the right consistency, transfer to a piping bag with a round tip.
8. Pipe out 1.5 inch rounds onto a baking sheet covered with parchment.
9.tap the baking sheets on the counter firmly a few times to remove air bubbles. I f you skip this step you're macarons will crack.
10. Leave the macarons on the counter for at least 15 minutes to dry. When you can tap them with your finger without them sticking, they're done.
11. bake them at 300 degrees for 18-20 minutes.
12. remove form the cookies sheets and let cool.
13. While you let the macarons sit and cool make the icing by beating the butter with an electric until all nice and fluffy.
14. Add the icing sugar, cream, lemon juice, lemon zest, vanilla extract, and salt and beat until well combined.
15. Transfer the icing into a piping bag and fill the macarons with a healthy helping.

Now bask in the abomination that is my failed attempt.